Thursday, June 13, 2013

lessons, homework, tests...

So... MR and I took a meditation class, well, it was like a five week coarse, once a week for several hours we would go to the Houston Zen Center for serious "teaching".  There was homework, projects and practice requested of us, and well, if it wasn't official before, it is now, I am NOT a good student! BUT, I do admit it, in an open session when everyone else is talking about how they aced it all! No shame, I just didn't do my homework!

Much like college, I did not do the reading assignments outside of class, I did not practice my meditation as often as I should, I never ate an apple mindfully, I could never mindfully open a door, I failed, miserably! BUT, not unlike college, I still managed to have an instructor who is a patient, kind woman who let me "pass" the coarse. She told me with the most peaceful smile in the kindest way that it was, "okay, and when you are ready to sit, you will". Well bless her peaceful Zen heart, I hope she is right, because after this week, I need some serious "mind stilling sit time"!

There was a lesson that I really loved and thought that I had totally grasped it, but like all lessons, you don't know how you will really do until you take the test. AND not UNlike most tests I have taken, I FAILED!!! MISERABLY!! --- total random thought coming now...You know how they say in marriage that you become a little like your partner, well if I could take a few things from the MR, like, being a good student, keeping my mouth shut, and having more patience that would be GREAT! Instead I think I have taken on the liking ice cream, love of travel and learning to have lazy days (not bad at all, as long as the ice cream is still frozen).--- So my proud lesson learned/lesson failed goes like this:

Lesson:
When to speak, ask yourself these three questions:
1. Is it true?
2. Is it helpful?
3. Is it the right time?

Pretty good lesson, right. You are trying it right now aren't you! I was so proud of this lesson I shared it with my niece and nephew, to which my SIL said it was the best thing I had ever told them (point for Aimee the GREAT, heck, 10 points if I am marking it down!! ) I felt like such a smarty pants, A+ student, really slangen' knowledge on them like I was a pro! So that's great, fun high, on top of the world...but then came the test...

I found myself failing miserably when presented with a real life situation, where, I should have reviewed the three questions...and here is how that would have broken down...

Aimee, is what you want to say true? YES, Dear Lord every word and I should shout it from the mountains!!!! (I am winning this)
Is what you have to say helpful? UHHHHHHH, who are we trying to help (shouldn't that be in the question...) (not a complete fail yet)
Is what you have to say right for this moment? OOF, when we say "right time" should we define that??? (EPIC FAIL)

NOOOOOOO, where did my Zen mastery go (I mean, I got the certificate, so I can say mastery, right?)? Where did that knowledge I fed those sweet young minds go? Why did my mouth keep moving when my heart was saying so loud and clear SHUT YOUR FACE? I don't have an answer, I have no idea, I would like to think my mouth has it's own little mind, and that it wasn't my fault, or that some crazy alien took over my mind and sabotaged me, but I think if I am really trying to learn the lesson and be better next time, I have to admit, I got lost in a moment, I let emotions take over and I need to practice harder, pay more attention, be more aware.

Failing this lesson made me think of so many things that continually boggle my mind! Mostly with God and what he is doing in my life, how I treat the people dearest to me and why can't I control my crazy!!! I don't have an answer for the last one, but lets blame it on hormones, which we all know are uncontrollable  and create all kinds of crazy situations like over indulging in chocolate and crying!

Failing made me think that God was trying to show me a weakness and give me an opportunity to take control, stand up and seize the moment, be the person you are trying desperately to be, the person the HE sees you as and knows you can be... thank the LORD he is forgiving, and hopefully he will react to my failures as my college professor and Zen Master and give me a "certificate" in the end! At the basic root of it, I got selfish, I got petty, I let things outside of my control effect me when they shouldn't!  I struggled, my heart knew what I did was not good, nice, or kind and my head was stubborn and took over. I was right, it wasn't helpful to anyone other than me, and NEVER would have been the right time...  May a cooler head prevail next time! Admitting you have a problem is the first step to fixing a problem, right????

So I made peace, I apologized for my outburst, I thanked for the response and reaction of the other, and now I am letting it all go. I had to reach out and say thank you, I mean, if my ugly flag can fly high, if I can show my crazy, then at the end of the day, the part of me that I actually like and want to be should have a chance to shine too! C'mon Aimee, step up, be so sweet, you can DO IT... full on sideline chants were coming out loud and proud!

Maybe in the end I am getting closer to passing the test... another one coming in an hour... chanting my "May I and all beings be happy and free from suffering" on rotation with "Breath", and pray to God that he can hold my hand and not let my mouth run a muck! I will keep you posted...

keep in touch

UPDATE: I didn't fail, wouldn't say I passed with an a+, but not a fail- here's to hoping I get a break from awkward lessons for a while- two test in one week can wear a girl OUT!!! 


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