They are not my own...

This is something that has been really weighing on my heart, and I have felt like maybe it wasn't for the world wide interweb to have, but this blog is mine, these stories are my life and these words are how I feel, and if i am going to share the glorious stories of these kids lives, I will also share the tough parts of my journey with them. So, here is a really hard truth I am struggling with...

They are not my own, the children in Zambia, they are not mine. They are there, with parents/grandparents or caretakers that get to make day to day decisions of their lives. They either protect them or they don't, they feed them or they let them go hungry, they love them or they loath them. I do not get to make those calls, I do not have a hand in how they are treated at home. I can get them to school through sponsorship, and pray for their health, happiness and safety, but that is ALL I can physically do for these sweet boys.

They are not my own, the children at Casa who I see once a week. They either go home to a biological family that hopefully has been "fixed" or adopted by a forever family that wanted so desperately to love a child as their own and opened their doors and hearts to bring them home. They are not mine to make health decisions for, they are not mine to do anymore than pray for and love for a few hours each week.

I got down in the dumps, I was looking at Facebook and all the cute kiddos going to school on the BIG first day of the new year, reading about moms feeling overwhelmed and proud, scared and shocked that time had flown by so fast. I read each post and prayed for each mom and kid. I thought about what it would mean to each of the kids that "are not mine" to have someone love them so much that they cried when they dropped them to school for the first time, or worried about them fitting in at their new middle school, or if they were really ready for all that high school is. What would these children "who are not mine" be able to do if someone cared for them like the moms of the kids I was reading about on FB.

They are not my own, they never will be. Luckily, they are all gifts of God and my only hope is they each feel him wrapping them in hugs of love each and every day.

I have been struggling with kids being placed in my life and taken away. I wrap my whole heart around each child that God so graciously places in my life, the ones in Zambia, the ones at Casa, the ones I didn't get to meet, my family member's kids, friend's kids. I love them entirely and without hesitation, and then they go, or I go, or there is distance between, or life just happens (or ends). God gives and he takes away, I know it is true, I know it is not in ill will, I know it is natural, but it just hurts sometimes. It is sometimes hard, and I sometimes can't wrap my head around it. 

If I can love "the least of these" with all my heart, why do they have to know any less love on this earth? I know God has a plan, I believe whole heatedly in that, but He didn't give me the great gift of patience and I want to see that plan clearly RIGHT NOW!!! And, somehow, I want to know that these children's plans are those of happily ever after, safety, health, full bellies and love. Most importantly a lot of love. I can believe that is the plan, but humanly, selfishly and very impatiently; I want to see it with my own eyeballs! 

I found out, one of my Zambian boys has moved, his Grandmother took him and his sibling to the Village (this is not a good move). He will not be able to go to school, I will probably never see him again. He begged me to help him and I thought his situation was good enough to stay at home with his family. I talked to his Grandmother, who promised me she would send him to school everyday. She moved him to the Village, where there is less than there is in Chaisa, very little hope or resources. He is not mine, but my heart is broken like he is...

The same question keeps replaying in my head, " how am I supposed to live this very blessed life, where I have need for nothing more than I have, I want for nothing , but can not give that to "those that are not mine." 

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