sometimes it's not all rainbows and butterflies

I have told you about Lydia, and her sweet baby brother. They are precious, I love them.

I have told you about Steve, who is the eldest brother and the reason I met Lydia and baby brother.  I love him.

I fell in love with them the moment my eyes were exposed to their sweet little souls. I can't help it, I just look in their beautiful eyes and I am done, in love and forever holding them in my heart.

So this wipes me off my feet and punches me in my gut,

Steve died on Saturday, I just got the email today. I was sitting in a meeting, and there is was on my phone screen,  "Stephen died on Saturday"

WHAT?

just like that, "Stephen died on Saturday"

what is that, my heart on the floor being pounded into the smallest pieces and my brain running a sprinting marathon trying to understand it all.

He died, his precious little life ended, I don't know why, I don't know how and to that end may never really know.

In Zambia, you can die from a stomach ache, a toe infection, a run in with malaria, or any number of things that we could cure and live long healthy lives after in America.

My mind has gone all over the place on this, maybe it is the way the grieving process works. The "what ifs", "should have done this", "could have done that", "why didn't we", "HOW", "WHY", it's just a running loop of a bunch of thoughts that are simply speculations, wishes, and unexplained scenarios.

Steve died.

My heart is broken.

A while back, I came home from Zambia  and replaced my heart break of trying to have my own children with the love I have for these children. Loving these children has helped heal my heart after some really tough losses. This one hurts too, I can't get his hopeful little face out of my mind.

I wanted to save him, I wanted to make sure he was cared for. I have to believe that he is in a better place.

I had asked for your prayers, and I appreciate each of you who have reached out to help these kids. Tonight, I am asking you to pray for baby brother and mom. Mom has moved, we don't have baby brother in our custody. I need prayers we find mom and baby healthy.

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